Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED