All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Banking tips
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.