Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?