Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Has there ever been a more American story?

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files