Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

My flabber has been gasted.

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.