Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

😂😂😂

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.