Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

The legends were true

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU