Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Wow 🤣

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.