Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
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WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help