Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
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[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?