Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
channeling her this year
