Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?