Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

this was the best i’ve ever seen

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”