Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.