Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

Basketball

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!