Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
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Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it