Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
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[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Florida be like…
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.