Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
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Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
THIS HEADLINE
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
#Caturday
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist