Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter