Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
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MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.