Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.