Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

o shit

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

📽️movie date🎞️

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

I put the I in Insufferable.