Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Every house has this drawer

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.