Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
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The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day