Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

#CoronaOutbreak

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here