Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!