Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.