Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Me in tagged photos

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

Dishwasher: *starts*

Peanut butter on knife: LMAO

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014