Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
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9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
you gotta be faster
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
me working on my assignments ^-^
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
this is the news I live for
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.