Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
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All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
edward fingerhands
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree