Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
ME: *tells my kid anything*
KID: i know i know i knowME: *asks my kid anything*
KID: i don’t know
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door