Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
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If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
We are the people our parents warned us about.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
This makes total sense…
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.