Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
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Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
why am I working on Labor Day
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.