Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

lol

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

OKAY DAD

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*