Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!