Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills