Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.