Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

I only eat vegetarians.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

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