Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
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DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
rapatouille
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.