Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think both sides are to blame here

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

Who does Amazon think I am?

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”