Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
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We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
💀🤣
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
#SuperBowl
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.