Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
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my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.