Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

Mistakes were made

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.