Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Saturday

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion