Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I