Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.