Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

This could’ve been an email.

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.