Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”