Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
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I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I love this❤️😁👍
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”