Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
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When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild