Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
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Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“our sushi is very fresh”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Sign of the day..
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Nice try Hitler
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him