Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
You Might Also Like
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.