Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
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Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
no refunds
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
