Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”