Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.