Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you could not pay me to delete this app
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Oh we’ve met.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.