Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
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