Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
How times have changed.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
not for long
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there