Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

It’s an epidemic…

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.