Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Need WebMD

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

good let them take over I have had enough

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control