Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management