Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
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*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Life hack
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?