Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer