Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Hear me out: WrestleVania
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
this is the best day of my life
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.