Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
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My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments