Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
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It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.