Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
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AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
*bites zombie*
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”