Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

#ParentingFacts

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?