Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please