Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
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I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Lol.
The Backseat Boys
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
How it started How it’s going
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
The symmetry is uncanny.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.