Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
You Might Also Like
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.