Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
i will not be silenced
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man