Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
“You’d better run, egg!”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.