Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast